Really well organized Scrivener template for short fiction writers courtesy Evernote ambassador Jamie Todd Rubin.

This is the speech I would have given at the Tisch Salute.

My Rejected NYU Tisch Salute Speech

March 29, 2011

Although I made it to the final round, I wasn’t selected as the student speaker at the Tisch Salute this week in front of James Franco. The selected speaker was fine, but mine was way more funny.

Hello everyone. My name is Aaron Uhrmacher and, provided I don’t use either of the last two curse words you still can’t say on television or inappropriately lift up this gown, I will soon hold a Master’s degree from the Interactive Telecommunications Program here at Tisch. Now I know many of you are mouthing to the person next to you, “what is interactive telecommunications?” Good question. It’s a kind of experimental playground that explores the relationship between art, technology and everything else.

Of all the NYU communities, this might actually be the most intimidating group of students to be speaking in front of. The Photography students are sitting there bummed that I’m too short to snap pictures of over the podium and the Dramatic Writing students are thinking they could have written a much better speech in half the time. All of the actors are wondering why I haven’t made one fatalist Shakespeare reference yet and my ITP classmates are asking themselves why I’m not using any blinky lights to hold your attention.

But alas, here I am. To my fellow almost-graduates I say: we made it. Now I know thus far we’ve only “made it” to the Javitz Center, but still. It’s an accomplishment, right?

Because let’s be honest: we have Arts degrees.

This might be the last time many of us are asked to perform in costume above 14th Street.

Today, though, we’re not going to think about that. Today, it is about our success, and not our impending artistic struggle. Today we will not open any envelopes from the government that reference Perkins or Stafford. We will not think about how long we will still have access to the city’s only Chick-fil-A. No!

Today, we will accept only congratulatory tweets and “likes” for our graduation status updates on Facebook. Today we will enjoy a final, bottomless bowl of Kimmel cereal compliments of our parents and loved ones.

And if I may be so bold as to offer this little chicken nugget of advice to any of our esteemed guests here who have not yet picked out a suitable graduation gift: cash. Seriously.

It goes without saying that the world has irreversibly changed during our time at NYU. If you are completing a four year degree, then you were likely still in high school or “finding yourself” when Apple released the first iPhone. And I can only imagine how many TVs were broken in your freshman dorms as you wasted that first Fall playing a very unfamiliar gaming system called the Wii.

Think about it. There will be a time one day when you’re going to say something like “When I was your age, I had to actually hold a controller to play video games.”

And lest you think that the world has not changed significantly for you two year degree candidates, think again. There was no Angry Birds when you started school. If you wanted to waste time, your best option was the “I am T-Pain” app. There was no social network called Foursquare. If you went somewhere, nobody knew about it unless you texted them.

Since no one has yet taken the “Angry Birds” story to Broadway, I am happy to offer that bit of inspiration to any interested DDWs. For free. Consider it a really terrible graduation gift you can’t return. Like I said people, give cash.

But let’s go back to today for a moment. I am struck by the sea of Violet before me. Knowing that I might feel “struck,” I did a little bit of background research into the color violet. And by background research, I mean I Wikipedia’d it. And by “Wikipedia’d it,” I mean I skimmed the entire page in about 5 seconds and then cut and pasted a few words less than one might consider “plagiarism.”

As you can probably guess, WIkipedia considers ‘violet’ a subclass of ‘purple.’ It’s kind of like how Stern kids consider NYU a subclass of Stern. But the color purple holds a tremendous amount of significance to us as artists. Perhaps some of you Kanbar students were told once or twice that your work contained “purple prose,” which is often used to describe pretentious or overly embellished literature. The ReMu graduates are of course thinking of Prince, the Purple One, or His Royal Purpleness. My fellow ITP’ers wouldn’t refer to it as purple, but rather by its RGB value: 120,81,169.

Apparently the word ‘purple’ comes from the Old English word purpul – citation needed – which derives from the Latin word purpura, which in turn comes from the Greek porphura…which is the name of the Tyrian purple dye manufactured in classical antiquity from a mucus secreted by the spiny dye-murex snail. Once again, citation needed.

Now seriously, if the history of purple originating from snail mucus doesn’t inspire a totally cool post-modern dance piece, I will totally stop quoting Wikipedia right now.

Other speakers today will tell you that you should dream big, work hard and make the most of your opportunities. With all due respect, this is boring and probably wrong. Because we have the Internet. Yes, the glorious Internet is here to save us creatives. Pretty much every single artistic endeavor can be conceptualized, funded and shared online. This can be done quickly and requires very little thought or effort. That is sweet.

So do it. Put your ideas out there. Often. Even the half-baked ones. Don’t forget that even though we are now leaving the physical confines of this community, we are still connected. I will accept all of you as my Facebook friends.
Good luck. Now let’s go make some mistakes.*

Posted in ITP Community, Writing and tagged nyu, speech

Here's a spec script I wrote based on the characters from HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Lemonade Stand

September 5, 2010

Here’s a sample TV script I wrote in 2004 based on the characters from HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” This script was not intended for production, but to showcase my writing skills.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

“The Lemonade Stand”

Aaron Uhrmacher

SAMPLE SCRIPT

INT: JEFF’S OFFICE

JEFF

You know, Lar, I really think you should do the Vanity Fair thing. It would be good PR.

INT: LARRY’S CAR

LARRY

This just seems so…Hollywood.

JEFF

Goddamn right it’s Hollywood. That’s why you gotta do it. This is Hollywood, bro. People need to see that you’re more than just Seinfeld, right?

LARRY

There is more to me than Seinfeld.

JEFF

Not according to your resume, champ. It’s just a short little profile. Where you live, what you do, you know the drill.

LARRY

(beat)

I don’t need the PR hype, but I’ll ask Sheryl.

INT: JEFF’S OFFICE

JEFF

I already asked her. She loved the idea.

LARRY

Oh she did, did she?

JEFF

(laughing)

Yeah, she did actually.

LARRY

That’s amazing. I can ask her twenty questions in a row, she says no. But you ask one and she says yes. You’re amazing.

JEFF

That’s my job.

LARRY

Who’s the reporter?

JEFF

Her name is Vicki Wendell. She’s doing me a favor. She did the piece on Brad Pitt that everyone says helped him land the Tony Scott film.

LARRY

Book it then, I guess.

JEFF

Idid.

©AARON UHRMACHER, 2004 | Be cool, please don’t plagiarize

LARRY

You did?

JEFF

Clear your calendar today. She’ll be

there with a photographer around 3.

INT: LARRY’S CAR

LARRY

How did you know I’d be free today?

JEFF

You’re free every day.

LARRY

What do you need me for? Between you

and my wife, my career is covered. You

might as well just write my scripts as

well.

JEFF

You’re welcome. I’ll call you later.

EXT: LARRY’S HOUSE

LARRY CLOSES HIS CELL PHONE AND PULLS IN TO THE DRIVEWAY. HIS 10 YEAR-OLD NEIGHBOR, JESSICA, HAS HER LEMONADE STAND SET UP IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE.

JESSICA

Excuse me, Mr. David. Would you like a

glass of lemonade?

LARRY

Sure. How much is it?

JESSICA

Five dollars.

LARRY

Five bucks? For a Dixie cup full of lemonade? Kinda steep, don’t you think?

JESSICA

It’s for a good cause.

LARRY

Oh yeah, what’s that?

JESSICA

I’m raising my own shopping money so I can get two bathing suits at Abercrombie & Fitch this season instead of just one.

LARRY

You’re right. That is a good cause. I mean, you are indirectly supporting the nine year-olds in Indonesia that

sewed the suits, right?

(he digs in his wallet) JESSICA

Our maid made it herself. It’s good.

LARRY

Well in that case…look, I’m a bit low on cash, do you take credit cards?

JESSICA

Cash only. And I don’t give change.

LARRY

You’re going to make some guy very happy some day, I can tell. Save me a big cup, I’ll be right back.

JESSICA

They’re all the same size.

LARRY WALKS UP HIS DRIVEWAY.

LARRY

(mimics)

“They’re all the same size.” If only all women believed that.

INT: LARRY’S HOUSE

LARRY WALKS IN AND SHERYL IS AT THE WINDOW WITH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

SHERYL

You didn’t buy anything from that tramp, did you?

LARRY

Tramp? She’s 10. She can’t be a tramp for at least three more years.

SHERYL

Larry, Vanity Fair is going to be here in less than an hour.

LARRY

I know. I can’t believe you said “yes.” We don’t even read Vanity Fair.

SHERYL

It doesn’t matter. I’ve always wanted to be featured in a magazine. They’re obviously going to want to take a picture of the outside of our house. We can’t have that little — that bitch — hawking lemonade. It’ll look ridiculous!

LARRY

What do you want me to do? Go out and beat her with a baseball bat?

SHERYL

I don’t know. I already tried asking her nicely and she said her grandma wears these shoes. Do whatever you have to do. I don’t want her there when the photographer arrives.

EXT: LARRY’S HOUSE

LARRY WALKS DOWN THE DRIVEWAY.

JESSICA

Do you have the 5 dollars?

LARRY

Yeah, about that.

(he pulls out a 20)

If I give you this 20 dollars, would you consider closing up shop for the day?

JESSICA

No way! Each suit is $180.

LARRY

That’s crazy!

JESSICA

You’re crazy!

LARRY LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO PUNCH HER.

LARRY

How about this? Why don’t you set up across the street? Or in front of your house?

A JAGUAR PULLS UP AND ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW.

DRIVER

How much?

JESSICA

Two dollars.

DRIVER

I’ll take two.

LARRY

Two dollars? You told me it was five.

JESSICA

For you, it is. (to Driver)

Thank you so much.

DRIVER

This is great. Good luck! You have a perfect location.

LARRY

Why is it five for me?

JESSICA

Because I don’t like you.

LARRY

I don’t believe this! You’re in front of my house, and we’re having people come to photograph it–you know I could charge you rent for selling lemonade on my property.

JESSICA

I’m on the sidewalk. It’s public property.

LARRY

(blurts)

Vanity Fair! Do you read that magazine?

JESSICA

No.

LARRY

Me neither, but everyone else does. So if you would please just take this twenty dollars and call it a day…

JESSICA

Are you trying to make me cry?

LARRY

Are you trying to make me cry?

HE WALKS BACK UP THE DRIVEWAY.

INT: LARRY’S HOUSE

SHERYL

So?

LARRY

No go.

SHERYL

What happened?

LARRY

She’s crafty…that little…tramp.

SHERYL

What should we do?

LARRY

I don’t know…maybe we can just have them take pictures inside?

SHERYL

Larry, come on.

LARRY

We could call the police and give them an anonymous tip?

SHERYL

Here’s the phone. Call.

SHE THROWS HIM THE CORDLESS.

LARRY

Are you serious?

SHERYL

Do it.

HE DIALS.

10.

LARRY

Hello? Yes, this is-I’m calling about a pesky little girl who is…loitering. Yes, she’s loitering in front of my house.

SHERYL THROWS HIM A LOOK. SHAKES HER HEAD FRANTICALLY. LARRY (CONT’D)

Well, not in front of my house. Just in the neighborhood…that I was driving through. It didn’t look right. 751 Oak between Sunset and Wilshire.

HE HANGS UP.

LARRY (CONT’D)

They should be here soon.

SHERYL

Great. Now clean up this living room. INT: LARRY’S HOUSE – LATER

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

SHERYL (O.S.)

They’re here. Get the door.

LARRY SHUFFLES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THERE’S A POLICE OFFICER, HIS ANGRY NEIGHBOR, AND THE NEIGHBOR’S DAUGHTER, JESSICA.

NEIGHBOR

Are you the one that called the cops on my daughter and her lemonade stand?

11.

LARRY

Me? No. I…it might have been my wife.

POLICEWOMAN

We had a report of a young female, aged 10, loitering in front of the property at this address.

NEIGHBOR

What’s your problem, David? You hate kids? Are you kid-phobic?

LARRY

No, it’s not that. It’s just that I have this interview in a little bit–

NEIGHBOR

Go ahead, sneeze on him, Jessica.

THE LITTLE GIRL STEPS FORWARD AND SNEEZES ON LARRY.

LARRY

What the-? That’s disgusting! Officer, you saw that. Do something!

POLICEWOMAN

People sneeze, sir. There’s no law against that that I know of.

LARRY

Sheryl!

INT: LARRY’S HOUSE – LATER

LARRY, VICKI FROM VANITY FAIR AND SHERYL SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

12.

VICKI

So Larry, tell me what it was like working with Jerry Seinfeld?

LARRY

Oh, Jerry’s great. But there’s a lot more to me than just “Seinfeld.”

VICKI

I’m sure. What about Kramer…

LARRY

I love Seinfeld just as much as the next guy, but I live a normal life, too. I mean, take for instance what happened earlier today…

FADE TO:

INT: LARRY’S LIVING ROOM

LARRY IS READING THE VF ARTICLE TO SHERYL. HIS NOSE IS STUFFY.

LARRY

“…and that ‘little bitch’ couldn’t sell her lemonade across the street? I mean, what gives?”

SHERYL

But the pictures of the house look nice.

LARRY

How could they print this? We’re gonna get kicked out of the neighborhood! It’s outrageous.

13.

SHERYL

What are you gonna do?

LARRY

Well for starters, I’m going deny I ever said it.

SHERYL

She recorded the whole thing.

LARRY

You know, you’re the one who called her a ‘little bitch’ to begin with.

SHERYL

I said it to you, not the reporter. I can’t believe you said that on the record.

LARRY

I don’t know. You put the thought in my head, and then she sneezed…and did you notice how she didn’t include the part where that girl sneezed on me?

SHERYL

You should just go over to the

Jeffries and apologize.

LARRY

Can’t we just move?

14.

SHERYL

We’re not moving. How about this: Why don’t you go out and get her the bathing suits she wanted and bring them over.

LARRY

They’re $180! Each!

SHERYL

Larry, you have to make it up to them. That’s a horrible thing to say. I mean if you’ve got a better idea…

LARRY

Fine, I’ll get the suits. But I’m not apologizing.

INT: CAR

LARRY PICKS UP HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS.

INT: JEFF’S OFFICE

JEFF

Yeah?

LARRY

I owe you one.

INTERCHANGE BETWEEN THE TWO LOCALES.

JEFF

Great article, Lar. You were right, you don’t need any publicity.

LARRY

It was this whole thing…

15.

JEFF

Yeah, you called a 10 year-old a ‘bitch’ in an international magazine. What am I missing?

LARRY

I was misquoted. And she sneezed on me! Anyway, I’m coming to pick you up.

JEFF

You should be heading out of town. Who’s going to sign a deal with you now? You’re the ‘kid-hater.’

LARRY

I am not! Sheryl thinks I can buy the girl off. We’re going to the mall.

JEFF

I’m not going with you.

LARRY

This whole thing was your idea! Remember, you’re doing this for my career. What happened to that?

JEFF

I’ll meet you downstairs. But just because we’re friends and I need to duck out of the office for a bit. This isn’t an admission of guilt.

EXT: BEVERLY CENTER

ESTABLISHING

16.

INT: BEVERLY CENTER – ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH

LARRY AND JEFF PERUSE THE LITTLE GIRL BATHING SUITS.

JEFF (looking around)

They think we’re pedophiles.

LARRY

They do not think we’re pedophiles.

A SALESPERSON COMES OVER.

SALESPERSON

Can I help you find something for your daughters?

LARRY

We don’t have daughters.

HE GIVES THEM THE ‘PEDOPHILE’ LOOK.

LARRY (CONT’D)

(quickly)

We’re not pedophiles.

JEFF

Oh Jesus, Larry. Did you have to say that?

LARRY

Well we’re not.

JEFF

Yeah, but now that you said it he probably thinks we are.

SALESPERSON

Hey, no. Whatever.

17.

LARRY

No, we’re buying it for my 10 year-old

neighbor. (beat)

It was my wife’s idea.

SEVERAL NEARBY PARENTS HEAR THIS AND WATCH WITH HORROR. JEFF

Much better. Just pick one out and let’s get out of here.

LARRY

I’m looking for your two $180.00 suits.

SALESPERSON

They all start at $180.

LARRY

$180 for this? You’ve gotta be kidding. I’m in the wrong business. I should be selling pieces of cloth at for 180 bucks.

JEFF PICKS ONE OUT.

JEFF

How’s this?

LARRY

No, I don’t think red is her color.

JEFF

Who are you all of a sudden, Isaac

Mizrahi?

18.

LARRY

She’s got red hair. Red doesn’t go

with red.

(to Salesperson) Am I right?

JEFF

The question is: Are you straight?

LARRY

Knock it off.

SALESPERSON

Why don’t you just take these two. I’m sure she’ll like them.

LARRY

Fine, but if she doesn’t, she can come back and exchange them, right?

SALESPERSON

Of course.

INT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH, REGISTER

CASHIER

Will these little girl swimsuits be all for you two gentlemen today?

LARRY

Yes.

CASHIER

Great. Your daughter will really like these. They’re very cute.

19.

LARRY

They’re not for my daughter. They’re

for my neighbor.

SHE FLASHES HIM A WEIRD LOOK.

JEFF

They are!

(to Larry)

Do you have to keep saying that?

EVERYONE WATCHES THEM AS THEY EXIT.

EXT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH

LARRY

That went well.

JEFF

I’m never coming back to this mall

again.

EXT: NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE

LARRY APPROACHES THE HOUSE. THEIR LITTLE SHITZU RUNS OUT AND STARTS BARKING IN CIRCLES AROUND HIM. HE FINALLY RINGS THE BELL. THE NEIGHBOR OPENS THE DOOR.

NEIGHBOR

What do you want, David?

LARRY

I came to apologize. That whole thing

in the magazine, I was misquoted.

NEIGHBOR

(glaring)

Oh yeah?

20.

LARRY

Yeah, I mean, it really was a funny story if you think about it. You just have to put it in to context, and that reporter didn’t do that…

THE NEIGHBOR JUST STARES.

LARRY (CONT’D)

One day, it will be funny. I promise. Anyway, is Jessica home? I have something for her.

NEIGHBOR

Jessica!

JESSICA COMES TO THE DOOR.

JESSICA

What do you want?

LARRY

I feel really bad about that whole thing a couple weeks ago. I just wanted to apologize. I got these for you.

SHE TAKES THE BAG AND OPENS IT UP.

NEIGHBOR

What is it?

JESSICA

The bathing suits!

21.

NEIGHBOR

You bought my little girl swimsuits?

What kind of sick–

LARRY

It’s not such a big deal, you know.

Just because I know she wanted them-

JESSICA

I don’t like them. Daddy already got me the ones I like.

LARRY

I knew red wasn’t your color! I was telling my friend…Anyway, you can take them back–

NEIGHBOR

What’s the matter with you, David? You don’t think I can afford swimsuits for my girl?

LARRY

It’s not that. She just said–

NEIGHBOR

I got news for you, I make more money on a weekend then you make all year.

LARRY

I don’t doubt it. It’s not about money-

22.

NEIGHBOR

Tell me this, David. What kind of sick twisted guy goes and buys bathing suits for little girls? I ought to report you to somebody!

LARRY PRETENDS TO ITCH HIS NOSE AND THEN RELEASES A VERY FAKE LOOKING, SLOBBERY SNEEZE ON HIS NEIGHBOR.

LARRY

Excuse me. I don’t know where that came from.

NEIGHBOR

Did you just fake sneeze on me?

LARRY

No, I have a cold.

NEIGHBOR

You fake sneezed. I can’t believe it.

Jessica honey, go call daddy’s lawyer.

You’ll be hearing from me, David!

HE TAKES THE SWIMSUITS AND THROWS THEM ON HIS WET LAWN. THE LITTLE SHITZU PICKS THEM UP AND RUNS UNDER SOME BUSHES.

THE NEIGHBOR SLAMS HIS DOOR.

LARRY

Come here, dog. Come here!

BEFORE HE CAN RESCUE THE SUITS, THE DOG PEES ON THEM. INT: LARRY’S HOUSE, LATER

SHERYL

So?

23.

LARRY

It’s getting worse.

SHERYL

What happened?

LARRY

I fake sneezed on him.

SHERYL

You what?

LARRY

I fake sneezed.

SHERYL

You didn’t!

LARRY

And I got caught. I was trying to sneeze on him for real, but I just can’t do it on command. So I faked it and spit up all over him.

SHERYL

Larry! You spit on him?

LARRY

It was a sneeze!

SHERYL

So? Did the girl at least like the suits?

24.

LARRY

Her dad already bought her the ones she wanted. He threw them on the lawn, and get this, his dog peed on them.

SHERYL LAUGHS.

SHERYL

Peed on them?

LARRY

He threw them out on the lawn and his miserable dog picked them up and peed all over them. Can you believe that?

SHERYL

You never were an animal lover.

LARRY

Yeah, well, I’m going to eat an extra animal at dinner tonight, just for that.

SHERYL

So now you don’t like kids or small dogs?

LARRY

You know, everything was fine before Vanity Fair. I gotta go see if I can return these now.

EXT: BEVERLY CENTER, PARKING LOT

LARRY LOCKS HIS CAR AND WALKS OVER TO THE ESCALATOR. HE SEES THE REPORTER FROM VANITY FAIR.

25.

LARRY

Vicki!

VICKI

Hi Larry. I’ve got great feedback on that article.

LARRY

I bet you did! My neighbor hates me. I can’t believe you printed that line about his daughter.

VICKI

You said it.

LARRY

I know I said it, but I didn’t mean it like that. I was joking. That’s what I do. And anyway, you left out the part about the sneeze.

VICKI

What about the sneeze?

LARRY

That she sneezed on me. That’s why I called her a ‘bitch.’

VICKI

Sneezing’s not against the law.

LARRY

I know, but without it, people don’t get why I called her that. It’s totally out of context.

26.

SHE TAKES OUT HER TAPE RECORDER.

VICKI

So if I understand you correctly, you think it was okay to label the little girl a ‘bitch’ because she sneezed on you by accident.

LARRY

It wasn’t an accident! Her dad told her to.

VICKI

And she can sneeze on command?

LARRY

I don’t know. I just know he said, “Jessica, sneeze on him” and she did.

VICKI

(in to tape recorder)

Larry’s starting to sweat. He seems

nervous and agitated. Splotchy…

LARRY

Forget it…that’s the last time I do a favor, let me tell you that!

VICKI

Bye Larry. Thanks again!

INT: ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH

LARRY APPROACHES THE REGISTER.

CASHIER

Can I help you?

27.

LARRY

Yeah, I need to return these.

HE GIVES THE CASHIER HIS CREDIT CARD.

CASHIER

Sure. Were either of these worn?

LARRY

Worn? No.

CASHIER

Because if they were worn or used, I can’t give you a refund.

LARRY

I didn’t wear them, that’s for sure.

Do I look like I could wear them?

CASHIER

I’m not saying that, sir.

SHE SMELLS THEM.

CASHIER (CONT’D)

They don’t smell new.

LARRY

Since they didn’t pass the smell test, you don’t want to give me my money back?

CASHIER

Calm down. They kind of smell like pee.

28.

LARRY

Look, I thought you’re supposed to take back anything.

CASHIER

We do…

(glances at credit card) Mr. David, as long as it’s in a

condition where we can resell it. LARRY

So put it on a hook and sell it!

CASHIER

You’re the guy that was buying the suit for his neighbor, right?

LARRY

Yes! Exactly.

CASHIER

I read that article in Vanity Fair.

You called that little girl a ‘bitch.’

LARRY

I was taken entirely out of context.

It’s a long story.

CASHIER

I’m sorry, but we can’t give you a refund.

LARRY

Because of what I said? C’mon, that’s ridiculous.

29.

CASHIER

(sternly)

Sorry, I don’t make the policy here.

It smells like pee.

LARRY

Fine! See if I ever shop here again.

AS HE’S WALKING OUT, THE NEIGHBOR AND HIS DAUGHTER WALK IN.

LARRY (CONT’D)

Boy, am I glad to see you two. You gotta tell that girl that the suits were never worn.

NEIGHBOR

Leave us alone, David. I’b sick. It’s your fault!

LARRY

You’re sick and you think it’s my fault?

NEIGHBOR

You sneebed on me.

LARRY

My sneeze was a fake sneeze. Like this.

HE FAKE SNEEZES AGAIN ALL OVER HIS NEIGHBOR. PEOPLE START BACKING UP.

JESSICA

Nasty, daddy!

30.

LARRY

So if you got sick, it was Jessica’s fault.

NEIGHBOR (stuffed up)

You just don’t give up, do you? First you call the cobs on her lemonade stand, then you attack her in the magazine, and now you’re accusing her of spreading diseases.

LARRY

Look, you’re obviously not going to see it my way, and I’m not going to see it yours, so let’s just put it behind us.

NEIGHBOR

THIS MAN HATES KIDS! HE’S A KID HATER!

LARRY

Hey! Keep it down!

NEIGHBOR

HE HATES THEM. HE DOES ANYTHING HE

CAN TO DESTROY THEIR LITTLE LIVES!

LARRY

I don’t. It was Jessica’s fault. She started it!

THE SECURITY GUARD APPROACHES.

SECURITY GUARD

I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

31.

LARRY

Me? I didn’t do anything. It was him. And I want my money back for these girls’ swimsuits!

SECURITY GUARD Sir, please don’t make any more trouble.

HE TAKES LARRY BY THE ARM AND WALKS HIM TOWARDS THE EXIT. LARRY

I didn’t do anything! I just want to get a refund!

NEIGHBOR

Who’s the bitch now, David?

EXT: BEVERLY CENTER, PARKING LOT

THE SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS LARRY TO THE EXIT.

LARRY

Thanks. I couldn’t have found it without you.

LARRY LOOKS AT THE GUARD AND CONTORTS HIS FACE, TRYING TO SNEEZE, BUT IT JUST WON’T COME. FINALLY, HE WALKS AWAY.

LARRY (CONT’D)

What’s the use?

AS HE WALKS TO HIS CAR…

FADE OUT.

Posted in Writing and tagged curb your enthusiasm, tv, writing

Category Archives Writing

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This is the speech I would have given at the Tisch Salute.

My Rejected NYU Tisch Salute Speech

Because let’s be honest: we have Arts degrees.

This might be the last time many of us are asked to perform in costume above 14th Street.

Here's a spec script I wrote based on the characters from HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

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Category Archives Writing

Choose another category?

This is the speech I would have given at the Tisch Salute.

My Rejected NYU Tisch Salute Speech

Because let’s be honest: we have Arts degrees. This might be the last time many of us are asked to perform in costume above 14th Street.

Here's a spec script I wrote based on the characters from HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Lemonade Stand

Because let’s be honest: we have Arts degrees.

This might be the last time many of us are asked to perform in costume above 14th Street.